2014-02-15

Garbage Collection

Hi,

I still remember your email address, so here's a longer message. Probably one which you will also not bother to respond to, if you even read it.

I've done everything I can to squeeze value out of this relationship. But it seems that you enjoy neither talking, nor touching, nor co-working with me on anything anymore. I gave you my time of day for the longest time hoping that at some point you would come around, but I guess that's ancient history. Spending time with you after October XXXX was probably a mistake - you were keeping more stories from me, and I made a point to help you pack up the night before you left for YYYY because I had known that it would be a good place for you to find out more about yourself. But you barely spoke to me afterwards, and requested to know less about me, and that was a bit of a let down - for me, but I hope that you truly are in a happier mental place since then, as it seems from your general publications.

You're like a black hole - and at a point in life where I am rather drained of resources, I really need to move farther still away... I've deleted your contact details from my databases because I need fewer options to continue writing to you.

Thank you for a few weeks of calm in ZZZZ Everything else since then has been a bit challenging.

http://instagram.com/p/kSWXssG3Ca/ :)

//

A few days later. My point of view in a conversation.

Friends? I don't seem to do the friends thing very well at this point in life. I have like time (etc.) for like one. Everything else is work. I wish I had more to give everyone. I don't know. It'll be easier to not miss her once I've got someone else to be close to. Not yet. I'm trying to minimise exposure to her, so that I don't think of her unnecessarily. I don't mind hanging out but we have nothing that we both like to do the same way. Otherwise I wouldn't have left. I just miss having the freedom to be with her, and we both know that's not on the cards.

Maybe not one friend. I've been thinking that the only friends I've had time for have been lovers, and it just happens that I've only gone out with one person at a time. Sad. She's chosen a way of life that allows for much social and commercial activity. I've chosen one optimised for entertainment via intellectual pursuit. She doesn't like smart asses of my variety. I'm evidently just trying to talk some sense into myself - I think about this all the time.

She rarely appeared to listen. Which is, if I think about it, just a nice way to call her a ditz. I may need to put her in a little box called "ditzy ex" to better deal with us. I'm afraid that it amounts to making her sound stupid.

I'm just reminded that we wouldn't have hung out much anyway if I wasn't interested in having her as my girl. I stuck around as long as I did to try and make it work. I still don't believe it won't work. Which is why I need to try harder to believe that it won't work. (So I started deleting the physical pointers to her, like her contact in my databases, and the things she gave me.)

Back in the office now. Perfect time to dodge traffic. Hehe.

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