2016-08-28

Announcing GrabAss

A little satire on the GrabGas CTO blow up.

My dearest friends in the Facebook family, today I need to tell you that I will be founding GrabAss, a new startup, dedicated to righting a number of wrongs that we face in the world today. This startup will be focused on developing a specific permutation of morphemes from the largest natural language network on Earth.

Firstly, Uber and the other Grabsomething company may be helping to reduce logistical problems but they fail to acknowledge that the humble donkey and its relatives in the subgenus Asinus occupy a unique niche in the product space that is on our radar. Don't grab a car. Why grab some stupid taxi - when you can Grab an Ass, to get you to your destination.

Secondly, given the number of follies that we witness in the startup scene daily, GrabAss is built from the ground up to give back to our community by identifying high-grade moronia hidden in plain sight within our pools of business and engineering talent. Our open-sourced framework NoobsNDevils is under active development, and has recently entered open beta. If you see an asshole, Grab that Asshole, and submit him (or her, or it) via our API endpoints, using the documentation provided on our developer website. Not a developer? No worries. Just Grab that Asshole by the arm, ear, neck scruff, collar, (or asshole) and drag him (or her, or it) to one our conveniently located pickup depots, at every 7-Eleven, McDonalds, Starbucks, and KFC in your current country (we're in every country that has one of these branded outlets). We have locked-in these strategic partnership to ensure that the asshole you have identified will be bagged, tagged, and shipped back to its original location, with minimal inconvenience to yourselves.

Perhaps you would prefer that the asshole you would like to identify is picked up from your private residence instead - we have an app for that also - it's a hardware app, the best Christmas (Hanukkah, Lunar New Year, or other festive) present you could give your loved ones this year. We call it the AssGrabber, and you only have to yell, "hey Asshole," to turn it on.

Beyond these first two proofs of concept, we believe that numerous other semantic networks can be derived from GrabAss's latent morphology. We believe in our vision, and we look forward to your ongoing support and participation in the GrabAss vision - summed up by our motto: "If there's an ass out there, someone's gonna grab it."

We're actively hiring (we give equity to early employees) and we're sincerely looking forward to having you join us as a shareholder today. We don't have any job descriptions yet, but we're sure that you'll figure it out for yourselves along the way.

Don't hesitate. Grab your ass, and get it over here, right now.

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