2013-07-15

Phew

After months, maybe years of uncertainty. I'm glad I heard what I heard today. Whee.
Last one from me about the not-ness of us. It's a great relief as I've felt in limbo since *redacted*. I've only ever told you what I do because I've wanted to know what you feel. Thank you for telling me. Now I will change the way I feel. :) *redacted* See you around.
I think about this experience, and am reminded that not everyone can change the way they feel.

Some people strive for a particular emotion, bending mind and body towards its dissolution. I bend my body and its emotions to yield structured ideas.
Everything I did wrong in 2011-2012 resulted from a failure to micro-manage. Indeed, the point of that exercise was to study its outcomes.
The cost of trying to develop trust in various parties has resulted in many shortfalls of resources. I am wondering if I will give up trying for now, and become more self-reliant, or continue to expend my resources until none remain. At a bit of a precipice here. Haha.

I like high-risk, under-diversified portfolios, but as I have increased my concentration, I have failed to increase my resources assigned for management. That, I think, has been the error of the past period. Still alive, but nearly friendless and penniless as well, I am wondering how this will shape future behaviours in the period to come.
TIR:
In dealing with those insufficiently self-aware, one must actively manage their consciousness, otherwise one suffers from their ignorance.
Moderately eventful day. Painful but not too boring (thank heavens). Trying to stay loving and unintrusive to friends old, and new.

Bored. By little visions, and short memories, and fancy-pants ideals, and the general shortage of really large targets and plans.

I feel like I have made many sacrifices for knowledge, and I remain unsure if these sacrifices will deliver exponential returns to human civilisation in the future.

Grief is a mechanism by which emotions are reconfigured. Enacting grief, enacts a change in feelings. I seem to do this often while waiting.

Get bored. Take risks. Get hurt. Rinse and repeat. Perhaps I shouldn't put so much boredom in my schedule. But it makes me feel more normal.

Bored. Every emotion running the gamut. This. This is why boredom is the enemy. Boredom always wins.

You no longer want to know what I'm feeling. So I'm no longer brave enough to wish you well.

And in reverse chronological order:
Agreed, or disagreed? "Having no close friends, is better than seeking the admiration of fools."

Jump out the window if you are the object of passion. Flee it if you feel it. Passion goes, boredom remains. Coco Chanel

Navigating the plebeian morass. How? Why? Because the alternatives would be mediocrity of effort.

When you love someone whom you could hardly be friends with, when the love is gone, a void. Dangerous games.

Remembering not to make life too hard for myself. Boredom is making this a 3rd bad year. On the bright side: -parents, +studying, +home.

[The next day.]

Feeding stations!!

Good work makes possible the avoidance of intellectual and emotional retards. Good work, when paused, brings me crashing back to the mean.

Awakened to boredom. My subconscious throws a fuss and sends me on an emo trip. Stalled in solitary confinement. This is less destructive.

After a little industry research; mourning the partial loss of a conversation partner, medication at the movies. Whee.

Zombies. Seats smelling like sweat and piss. How humanising. Nothing quite like it for pushing the nervous system into battle mode.

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