TOTD : people, depending on their biological and social composition, differ in their abilities to switch memory contexts. Some of us can discuss our entire lives in the same sentence as our official duties - but that is only because we keep our lives very simple. Others have components of their lives which are not entirely under their own control - often this is spoken of as "emotional life". A number of the people I've socialised with go into red alert and close all borders if their emotional security is breached while they are performing official duties. In summary, statistics indicate that it is a bad idea to engage with invitations to discuss emotional life during office hours. I think I should make it a rule that we only do it over refreshments.
2022-03-13 at 6:17 pm
Managing Lovers Incommunicado
I answered a questioner seeking advice on next steps in handling crushes who claimed to be unready for love : ( edited )
Based on two decades of past experience, let me suggest :
1. In general avoid harassing her. If she wants to be in love, she'll let you know.
2. If she hasn't blocked you yet, and she says she's not into love, then spend a short time very very carefully asking her what she wants from you. Is it conversation? Is it sex? Is it someone to look after her daughter when she's busy? Is it money? Is it answers for homework?
3. Based on the outcome of 2., which may or may not result in you getting blocked, then focus all your attention on ONLY the explicit answer provided, and don't even start asking questions or discussing casually anything unless she EXPLICITLY said, that it is something she wants from you.
4. Given that avoidant personality traits make it hard to get decent communications out of this sort of situation, wager yourself a 50% chance of guessing right what to say at any point, and just take it as a given that you're in unchartered territory, and should expect to be cut at any point.
5. All that being done, there remains a 50% chance of building a commercially viable and mutually beneficial relationship with the counterparty : which doesn't involve the L word.
Glhf