Introduction
The purpose of this note is to provide some guidance for people, who are neither social butterflies nor prudish hermits, for the times when they may find themselves attending social events in an uncertain context. ( That is to say, you don't need to read any further if you already know how to behave in public, or if you never venture into public spaces. ) Perhaps you've decided to broaden your circles for business or pleasure, or you're the reluctant plus-one at someone else's party, or ... you just find yourself, from time to time, facing uncertainty in the public sphere. Well hopefully, this will help you out at least a little bit. In this article, the uncertain human subject will be referred to as an Attendee.
Foundation / Context
As always, before deciding "what one should do," ( ethics ), one must try to lay down the "what one is concerned with," ( ontology ). A presumption then is that the Attendee is reasonably conscious of what other humans are doing, and that the Attendee already takes a limited interest in certain other people's lives for one reason or another - whether they are blood-relations, neighbours cavorted with, or people the Attendee is potentially buying something from or selling something to.
Next, what actually ARE parties? Well parties are simply groups of people ... doing anything. But what then differentiates parties from non-parties? Broadly speaking, NOTHING - going to work is as much a party in the broad sense as lounging, with naked people over glasses of champagne, or in formal dress over someone's bungled baking experiments. [1]
Nevertheless, it is understood that parties have a teleological dimension ... they are more, or less, purposeful. When the purpose is to have FUN, the admitted scope of activities is broader; when the purpose is to get something DONE, the admitted scope of activities is narrower. [2] Often enough, it is the Attendee's discomfort with the PRESUMED PURPOSE of the party, which invokes in the Attendee the sort of cognitive dissonance, which concerns this article. ( See "I have nothing to offer," below. )
And people being people ... we must always remember that individuals have specific socio-psychical mechanics operating in their heads. [3] A detailed study of social psychology and emotional well-being is beyond the scope of this article, but this sentence serves as a pointer to further study, for the reader.
In a Nutshell / Abstract
An Attendee, by definition, plays the following game : the Attendee must triangulate between the minds of Other attendees they meet. Whereas, for each Other attendee, the Attendee acknowledges
- the common humanity of the Other attendee [3],
- the Other attendee's view of themselves and their relationship to the purpose of the party [2], and
- the sustainability of the party and its purpose as a whole [1] environment.
Problem Statement : "I have nothing to offer."
Nearly the most common cause of anxiety is ... a forecast that the Attendee will expend energy in vain, leading to a recurring hesitation of commitment to engage with the party. The two components of this are of course, an incompatibility with the purpose of the party [2], or an incompatibility with the social needs of the Other attendees [3].
Attendees who find themselves incompatible with a the main purpose of a party, often can participate meaningfully by appealing to the common social needs of Other attendees; and Attendees who find themselves incompatible with the common social needs of Others, may focus instead on pursuing the discernible purposes of the party. People who have issues with BOTH [2] and [3] typically avoid parties, so we shan't address them in this particular article.
Example A : family reunions
Nothing holds a family together, except a common respect for norms. Therefore a family party [1] is defined by its activation of norms, habits, rituals, traditions, buzz, and humdrum.
Example B : business networking
"Networking events", without further qualification, are a major source of revenue for event and facilities managers ( corresponding to a pure expense upon shareholders of businesses ). While the purpose of such events is often vague, leaving many Attendees to regress to general partying [3], the most productive Attendees will instead focus on harvesting new INFORMATION, and developing new RELATIONSHIPS with Other attendees [2], which is the implicit commercial utility of any and all parties in general.
In reflection it can be said that the productivity of a business networking event arises not so much from who attends, as much as it arises from the ( natural or trained ) talent of attendees to conduct research, and develop business opportunities. Each of these talents deserves its own article, but there are already many on the Internet for each.
Example C : intimate parties
"The less said the better," is a general consensus among partygoers engaged in discreet and controversial activity - however this generates an unnecessary veil of mystery about such events which can be discomforting to the uninitiated. ( See "I have nothing to offer," above. ) Yet, many parties which allow intimacy do not require it of all attendees.
Rather such parties serve as an otherwise ordinary environments where general partying [3] take place. Often, those present are ordinary people who celebrate epicurean values ... and a lifestyle about things such as travel, food, music, fashion, and various forms of content. An Attendee can engage Other attendees on any and all of these subjects, just as conversation occurs at any other party.
Then, if there is intimate attraction, it may or may not come up naturally, as it does in any other setting. If intimate attraction is not mutual, the Attendee simply bats it away, and sets reasonable expectations. The key to managing a counterparty's mood is of course, to shit-sandwich any avoidance of intimacy with a genuine interest in something else that the counterparty is interested in chatting about. Otherwise, as in all social interactions, once an absence of mutual interest is encountered, individuals may politely take their leave of each other.
Attendees with professional experience in other areas, may apply an economic lens to their party operations. An Attendee may can view intimate parties as events where the Attendee is there to shop themselves around as a product.
But you don't talk about the product. You just examine the players in the market, as they observe you, the product. Then you reflect upon it, in order to understand what they want, and what they are willing to give for it. You can talk about anything with the prospective individuals, or with anyone at the party ... except your own availability.
You can ask them what they like, or whether they are having a good time, etc. If they ask what you are looking for, you can say you're just there to make friends, but immediately counter with an exploratory question about something that interests them.
Conclusion
For people who don't naturally party, all partying is work, but I think it can become a second nature for any caring person who practices, the art of the party.
