On The Value of Life ( Content Warning #suicide #marketing #purpose )

M : Wear a mask! ( it's 2023 )

N : My own policy is to get sick as often as convenient.

M : Getting sick is not convenient!
N : It's more convenient than having low immunity. ( discussion on acquired immunity redacted )

M : 
N : Do you care if you live, or die? For example, do you buy health insurance?

M : Yes, because [ genre of ailment ] is not sufficiently covered for most [ ... ] citizens, despite the extensive support we get from the public health system.

N : I don't buy health insurance, because I'm not wealthy enough to care if I live or die. As far as I'm concerned people with my degree of wealth are common and disposable.

M : Someone in the world loves you.

N : The feelings is probably not mutual ;) or in like proportion.

M : How do you quantify proportional love ...

N : That leaves you with a riddle.

M : Well, I love myself, so no comparisons are needed.

N : Then that is all you need, your life is fulfilled.

M : ... hence I buy health insurance.

N : I don't love myself thaaat much. :P If someone else wants to buy my health insurance, they're welcome to. But even I might not appreciate it.

M : Either (1) you don't know how much treatment costs, or (2) you know, but in proportion to your wealth, it is minor

N : (3) I know; I also know I won't be able to afford it, and I am satisfied with the option to suffer until death.

M : I accept, that you don't love yourself.

N : Most people are incapable of (3). I chalk it up to their weaknesses. The economy depends on weak consumer choices. We make people fear a loss of pleasure, so they eat more junk food, like sweet desserts, and greasy brunch. We make people fear a loss of relationships, so they buy insurance and healthcare, both scientific and quackery. There are many fears to be instructed -  that is the operation of marketing ^_^

M : I pay $1,000/year for peace of mind; for health insurance, from a fear of having my assets wiped out.

N : It seems like your peace of mind is easily bought. Perhaps there are other contingencies you have not considered about how terrible life could be, despite having health insurance.

M : OMG, give me a list, I will see if I can buy insurance for it!

N : Likely you will run out of money first, or find that many terrors are not insurable by third-parties.

M : I believe in risk-mitigation for my terrors.

N : The point is, the threats don't actually matter - one just decides to fear them. Those who disagree discover that they have risks. However those who agree, have nothing to lose all their lives, and it is just a matter of passing time.

M : There is an issue of suffering in life - death is not all that worrying.

N : There is always the option to self-terminate - however that's taboo, and a delicate subject for many.

M : It's hard to self-terminate.

N : It's really not hard to self-euthanise if someone is educated. But most people are not, and that makes t  hings so very messy. The subject moreover involves criminal liability in aiding people with self-termination, so one does not say anything that encourages another to self-terminate. Since it is a matter of criminal liability, it should be considered an adult subject in the parts of the world which have laws against suicide, or against abetting suicide.

Executive Function - a super-set of medical advice

X : How do I improve executive function?

Y : Google is your friend. Make lists. Pursue deadlines.

X : The essential problem is, that one cannot adhere to their deadlines! I was looking for a secret formula.

Y : Well ... if you regard the problem as ...[ problem ], then [ therapy ]

... biochemical ... get medication ; 

... disciplinary ... set up more carrots and sticks ;

... operational ... using lists will help ;

... teleological ... check your objectives ;

etc.

X : Disciplinary action does not work.

Y : Check everything else on the list.

X : Could it be stamina?

Y : It could be - then, schedule more exercise.

X : Could it be pacing?

Y : It could be - then, review the pace.

X : 

Y : I leave it to you then, go fix it, now.

X : Do you depend on obsession for motivation?

Y : (Being privileged.) Generally I have my concerns in order. Going from a state of disorder, to order, is a matter of sticks and carrots. Either you recognise an incentive, or there is no point in proceeding. If you are being whipped physically, you will do the necessary. It's simple - most people are simply not whipped, and hence underperform benchmarks, lol.

X : I will do the necessary when someone's life is in danger.

Y : Then put someone in danger, lo ...

Psychosomatic Operations Research : inflammation and computation

Ongoing dilemma : the "burn", or soreness which occurs as a structural step in muscle growth, is a matter of inflammation. I can take anti-inflammatory agents, but that just REDUCES muscle growth, because the inflammation has a structural role in hypertrophy. Now this is fine if I just want to grow muscle.

It's harder if I want to simultaneously do detailed computation ... as the inflammation interferes with computational processes. I guess the research direction for me now is to see if there are ways to decouple computational performance from hypertrophic inflammation.

The probably efficient solution is the traditional stance of meditation : qualified in technical terms as "sitting and studying conscious data, to understand how to address the problem above tactically on a daily basis."

Daily Get to Desk strategy

sketching out a framework for daily operational strategy : "boot sequence", or Get-To-Desk strategy #GTD 

CMF : concepts and muscles first, then food ( quickest to concepts )

MCF : muscles first, then concepts, then food

FCM : food first, then concepts and muscles

FMC : food first, then muscles, then concepts ( slowest to concepts )

Development log :

- studies / S depend on incidental verbal bandwidth

- incidental verbal bandwidth is contingent on incidental kinesthetic bandwidth

- either I work out during study / D, or I work out before study / B to raise ambient kinesthetic bandwidth

- upon waking, either I can work out then eat / W, or eat then work out / E

- so a day begins with the options : WD, WB, ED, EB... listed by order of how long it takes to get to S

... alternatively ...

- food / F, conceptual work / C, muscle work / M

- "CM-F", "M-C-F", "F-CM", "F-M-C" ... ok, this is a simpler code, I will test this out ...

...not having this figured out is what I get for delaying physical conditioning studies till age 39

Reflections on the language of engagement

(1)

Some promiscuous people are very sensitive. They do hookups because there's a "wall" they set up to avoid emotionally connecting with the randos whom they hookup with. Folks like me are rather INsensitive ... so even our close partners "just feel like most other people" to us.

The language is a bit messy. Sometimes I meet people who want to use the term "FWB" or something like that, because to them it's different from "a real relationship". It can get very annoying for them if I don't follow that language ... even if I'm fundamentally ok with the activities. The fact that "their walled-off hookups" are the same as my "normal relationships" confuses and scares them.

(2)

Related but not the same ... there are folks whose language is "a relationship based on love does not have rules, as it is not a game". For these people, the notion of a "game" is triggering, and they still cherish a romantic notion of non-contractual safety.

Whenever I identify this type of person, I advise them that we should first be friends at arms' length, as their communication styles may not be immediately safe to use when interacting with my own language preferences.

Calibration : sensitivity to political news

Malaysian news often quotes politicians on what Malaysians ought to do.

Now, a politician dispensing advice is generally as useless as any ethical didact. It is of little concrete value to discuss, what is right and wrong, and who is right and wrong.

It is quite useless, for example, to discuss whether Hamas is wrong, or whether Israel is wrong.

It only matters what any of us do to intervene.

And the sorry truth is, most citizens of unconflicted regions have little more than an academic interest in geopolitics. We don't see much activism in terms of boots on the ground.

Engaging with suffering at the workplace

(a) empathise

(b) ignore

(c) pat on head ( figurative) <-- most of my social engagements

(d) repel ( oh fuck off )

Generally, I have limited budgets for (a) and quickly proceed to (b, c, d) in that order.

This actually came up in bed, but relationships are work, so ... yeah.

Why I postponed physical conditioning from 2001 to 2022

The body is just insanely complicated. Most people just think it's simple because they are incredibly naive about the workflow between mind and body - they're gonna go, "huh, what workflow? I just think, and I move, and it's fun." Industrial robots "of class", have six joints, or axes, of movement. Do you have any idea how many joints are in the friggin human body? I still don't. And guess what ... just LOOK at the history of how the homo sapien body evolved, LOOK at the intermediate structures that we adapted through - look at the shapes of bones, the location of tendons, the proportions of muscles, the enervation topology ... and that's just the musculoskeletal aspects ... look at how muscles are implemented at the molecular level, how they are used, damaged, and rebuilt by different teams of cells running (sorry) around the body ... look at the number of signalling molecules, and their interspamming cascades of effect ... what we do know is crippled by the overwhelming bulk of what we do not know. 

Anyway, I wasn't going to just build a body without considering all of that. And now having gotten some professional priorities out of the way, I have more time to do just that ... I guess.

Proprioceptive Effects of Endocrine Activity + a hypothesis on Beta-Alanine's Paresthesia

Physical conditioning : current study : attempt to differentiate between current intra-minute operational effects of ... 

- dopamine

- serotonin

- epinephrine @ adrenaline 

- norepinephrine @ noradrenaline

- vasopressin

- prolactin

- oxytocin

- nitric oxide

- carbon dioxide

- histamine

By the way, ( hypothetical) it appears after some months of study ... that the paresthesia of taking beta-alanine straight-up is simply due to the following situation. First, the ingestion of meat including carnosine is followed by digestion and absorption, and positive proprioceptive feedback is delivered to conscious memory via the paresthetic effect. Such paresthesia however is relatively mild, as the rate of beta-alanine delivery to neurons is throttled by the rate of digestion of meat. Administering beta-alanine straight-up simply results in more paresthesia in a shorter amount of time, due to the "unnatural" rate of delivery. You'll also notice the paresthesia less, if you're administering carbohydrates, creatine, protein complexes, and fatty acids all at once, in a gelled/plugging mass - because that's just what you're used to getting when you digest meat ala natura.

Priority Stack Check

I saw my post-parliamentarian friend starting to play video games again. I thought about my own priority stack, over the years.

Strategic resource allocations over the years, to focus on intellectual work :

: 1998 : park : business development, commerce, computing

: 2000 : park : math

: 2001 : park : social networking, physical conditioning

: 2002 : park : natural sciences, cinematography

: 2005 : park : playing video games, listening to music, watching TV

: 2006 : unpark : commerce

: 2007 : unpark : computing

: 2008 : unpark : social networking

: 2009 : park : social networking

: 2013 : park : computing; unpark : business development

: 2014 : unpark : computing; park : business development

: 2015 : park : computing; unpark : business development

: 2021 : park : business development

: 2022 : unpark : physical conditioning

: 2023 : park : commerce, low-scaling jobs; unpark : computing

Still parked : math, social networking, natural sciences, cinematography, playing video games, listening to music, watching TV, business development, commerce, low-scaling jobs

Presently unparked : physical conditioning, computing 

Sex Ops

Let's talk about sex. I mean, I'm going to talk about sex, because most people I know around here are shy about it. So for the benefit of everyone out there who likes reading or hearing about it, here we go ... everyone else, just move on, K?

- - -

This is like a general reflection / questionnaire ( not blogging anyone's responses - just my own thought process). ('Q's) 

Well generally here's how I think about sex. ('A's)

-  -  -

(1)

Q: Why should one bother to have sex? Not everyone wishes to procreate. Not everyone needs the pleasure source. Not everyone has no other way to relax/undistract themselves from work. Why do you?

A: It gets in the way of the rest of my life ... but it's a social skill that I'd like to maintain for the time being. I tend to tell partners, "You don't really have to worry about this as it's sorta a "me problem"."

(2)

Q: What is the role of sex, within a personal relationship? How is it in your personal relationships - is it present or absent?

A: It's a sufficient but unnecessary component of a relationship ... in non-technical terms, I can have relationships which are defined around the sex, and I can have relationships which are sex-less. We can be just cuddle buddies without the sex, if that's what you prefer - I'm kinda neutral about it. We could text forever and never meet.

(3)

Q: Do you prefer planned, or unplanned sex?

A: It's an athletic/work activity, so I have to phase between preparation and execution cycles for the most part. If we do generally have sex, it would be good for me to understand when it's wanted, and when it's not wanted. Can't imagine doing anything really well without planning. Minimal, minimal, minimal strategic interest in ad hoc "joie de vivre". I'm not often a character in a romance movie - usually I'm with the Borg.

Unless we are regularly having sex, it's usually not obvious to me what you'd like to do when we meet up. If for example you're not interested in sex, I'd like to know in advance so  I can schedule it with myself or other people. When we do ad hoc stuff ( this is for me to understand you better) I think I should ask,

(3.A.1) are you initiating sex?

(3.A.2) can I initiate sex?, or

(3.A.3) do you want to be aroused, but are too tired / not interested in arousing me?

Clear the comms.