Well, the beginning of ignorance is to write-off another view as irrational.Perhaps all views are rational, only that it takes a lot of words to explain the context.Good luck with operations. :)
Not everyone is verbally attuned.
Can look into DSM-5, verbal communication, strong in some, weak in others. Cognitive infrastructure is different in every head. Can take some time to analyse and map out.Deescalation of defense mechanisms under tactical emergencies, will depend on other parties being able to administer specific modes of care.
For this : can consider seeking training/coaching from relevant clinical practitioners (for you the administrator of care). More formal than casual coaches.
Care :
To be very terse (and others will be less terse), since it is a marriage, you may have to look at it as a lifeboat situation. If neither of you are going anywhere, the question is how to deescalate future "events" in the most systematic fashion.
A framework can be developed. Safewords to signal discomfort. Protocols to constrain mutual behaviour until deescalation. Deescalation may be explicit or implicit, but it helps to have an explicit escalation signal. 👍
Design a solution (obviously not when one of you is incapacitated from verbal activity). Later
For this : can try to do informally with or without help of third-party therapist/coach.
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